Chaotic Death

Loud out there, Yet so silent
Chaos in mind, words are voilent
Is it her, or thoughts
Views on life, or connecting dots

Numb the pain
What keeps her sane?
Cries are louder
Something is strange about her

The noise in air
Livin’ deserted, is it only fair?
The Silent breath
The chaotic death

Disquieting stories
Again a pain hurries
Distant world, unholy word
Flew far away, from nest, that bird

They forget
A new life at threat
Help they screamed
All we remember is the smile they beamed
Someone who dreamed

Notes #1

Why is it that every boy wants a girl to save.
Why is it a boy thinks that he should take care of a girl. No i m not talking About feminism, its not about that. Its just a constant need of boys to be that savior for a girl, to be her knight in shining armour. When all she need is a friend, a person to listen to.
I don’t need a boy to save me, I don’t need anyone to save me from my misery. I m there for my self to help me to catch me when i fall, to hold me when i cry.


I was alone in this and i will always be alone. By being her savior if, you are thinking that you might make her fall in love with you, its wrong, very wrong. she might love you for a while, But she will always, always choose Someone who makes her strong, who doesn’t makes her dependent on him. Instead he challenges her everyday, everyday to win a fight within, someone who makes her a better person.


If you want her, tell her she is on her own, if you love her, let her do things on her own, you can’t just come and do things for her. If you truly love her just be there, not to save her, but to listen to her.
Because she wants someone to tell her that she is stronger, that someone believes in her.

Not a poem!

I m shy infront of mirror
I can’t look at my self Smiling
Just looking into the mirror
I do feel pretty
I should smile more often looking into the mirror
I feel pretty
I feel like i m in love
With someone i m looking at
I should stare at that person infront of me
Cause she seems beautiful
But then again
I m shy infront of mirror

You require a lot of courage to go to the mirror
Look at it
And say you are really beautiful
Say it loud
Not just in your head
Words should come out of your mouth
They should be loud,
And then smile
Cause you are beautiful
You are !

 Weather

Is there anything to be nostalgic about weather, how the last time you felt when it rained? Were you happy or sad? Does the wet grass makes you remember how got up when the last time you sat on it. You just get this feeling that, something memorable happened, and it was happy, you were happy. It was more than a smell of wet soil you remember from the last time. You dig deep into your memory to find that forgotten piece, because you know you might find something alluring in that. It is sad how we try to relive good memories the feeling that came with those memories, just to forget how unhappy we are right now at this moment.

I remember, I was happy, my heart was full. I remember how silly I was, walking on the wet roads with my friends, exchanging looks with young strangers, smiling, laughing. Nights and silly talks, scared spirit calling, waiting at stairs just to get one look from your special someone. There was no more to that, I was this simple, looking forward to a happy life person. Who knew within 3 weeks, I was going to experience something that will change me forever. That it will be a start for me to discover who I really am. And what is a change if it doesn’t destroy you completely. It made me, want to forget those good memories that I witnessed, along with the pain. It worked I guess for a while, I was in a denial, but it worked. The last rain I danced in.

It is strange how weather changes and it changes you along with it. And someday out of the blue you try to remember how you were the last time it rained. And then you are nostalgic for weather.

love I found!

I have seen a dream of, moving around

Seeing places that even, I can’t pronounce

Different meaning of love, I have found

I have a seen a dream of, moving around

 

How a lover, holds the hand of his love

In a crowded place, with a flying dove

A man just proposed his, to be wife

Of course she said, yes for life

I look above the sky, I found

A king was there about to get crowned

Standing there I heard, a sound

It was the time Muslims, adhan I found

 

I have seen a dream of, moving around

Seeing places that even, I can’t pronounce

Different meaning of love, I have found

I have a seen a dream of, moving around

 

A father gave a kiss, to his daughter

Leaving for office, she is sad, why not her

A old mad holding hand of his wife

Crossed the road, having an innocent fight

Different meaning of love, I have found

I have a seen a dream of, moving around

Of all the things!

Of all the things i want to say,
I chose okay,
Of all the things i feel today,
I better not say.

You walked away,
I still chose to stay,
Don’t know why,
something was sad about that blooming day,
Dejected, how uncanny it was from previous way,
Still of all the things i want to say,
I chose okay.

Livin’ in a pool of emotional hay,
Dogding, nights for emotional stay,
We kissed, you filled me up with love okay,
Remember the burger, in our first café,
Of all the things i feel today,
I better not say.

Hey,
Could you please tell the time to stop,
I m just not okay,
Its already may,
Felt like i cried yesterday.

I thought, in grey ,
That of the all things you say,
If you could, Chose “i m also not okay”.
You know,
Of all the things i said today,
“I was not okay”!.

Is she alright?

Is she alright?
Or she still has a battle to fight
The places she wanders at night
Found her peace or she might?

The girl lost all or she actually won
Is she pretending or she is finally done
Friends she has? Haha none
How is she? Ask no one.

She is on her own, she knew
People she relied on were really few
Now they are gone, so will you
She is hurt, well that’s not new

The walks of life, one for she writes
How shallow people are afraid of heights
Unconditional love, turned into fights
She watched them going out of all sights

The gazing eye burned
She remembered the smile now she is spurned
People are not permanent her lesson she learned
Lost soul but few connecting string she has earned
She still asks why? Those faces turned

She is going to be alright
Cause she has those stary nights
The moon she loves and his lights
She will face those battles and win those fights

CHAPTER 1

THE GIRL I WAS HIDING

My first day of the college; for the day, I changed at least three times that morning to look perfect. I was nervous and wanted to make a good first impression. I wanted to avoid coming late, probably because I will hate to be the late comer on the very first day and be the centre of attraction. I was so nervous that i thought I have lost the ability to speak. I somehow managed to come into the class early, walked into the room having barely two to three people and I was so relived, “okay, so now I don’t have to interact with the teacher and I will be invisible, mission complete”. People started coming to the room, from two to three, with a blink of eye it was full of thirty to forty students. I wanted to be invisible but expected questions like.
“Who are you?”
“Are you sure, you are in the right class?”
“Get out!”
Okay, not the last one but at least some questions?
So, I started asking questions myself “were they expecting me?”
“Are they ever going to talk to me?”
“M I not attracting enough to talk?”
“Holy crap, m I in the wrong class?”
I asked this person, looking like a middle aged man, having two children and is here to complete his education which was no able to complete due to some financial crises, sitting next to my table, “Is this CSE, 2nd year?” He nodded.
I continued to make deduction about the people that were sitting around, was lost in my own thoughts. Meanwhile, this boy walked into the room full of people, dark colour pyjamas, light coloured t-shirt was wearing slipper or crocs. And the only thought I had, “Man, I wish one day I could walk into the room with same confidence in my pyjamas, and this boy I want to know him”. I swear he was on my mind that whole day.
“HE WALKED INTO THE ROOM IN THE MOST CASUAL DRESS EVER!!”
“How cool is that”
This was my first day of college, the day I never thought I will remember so vividly.

I went on with my college life it was perfect, not perfectly perfect, but still perfect. I had a best friend by my side to survive awkward first days, where you are an outsider and have to find your kind of people or you interact with outsiders like you. You form a group of outsiders, you make your own world in that big world where no wants to come forward and welcome you to their world. We were seen as aliens, who have invaded their personal space, aliens they never wanted to come and disturb their life. I was happy that at least in this foreign land I know someone, someone who can hold my hand walk me through these corridors and make me feel like I belong here.
I always wanted to try and being this invisible kid who is new to class and is very less interactive. I thought this is the character I will play rest of my college life. Also, I thought being invisible kid will help me keep out of troubles, and will help me focus on my studies more. But as they say, you can never fake your true self forever, and I don’t know when but I was back to who I was, loud, talking to everyone I had a slight chance of knowing and being the girl who is super friendly and can talk to absolutely anyone who came in contact with her.
I was enjoying the change that this college made into my life; I slowly started getting to know people from my class. I was talking to bunch of people I got my crushes; I started stalking my crushes on social media. I became the girl I was putting leash on, from the very first day of college.
So, I decided to be the tomboy, that is one of my personalities, “Let’s be cool, have bunches of guy friends and I will never have to interact with a girl again.” coming from a girls college, spending three long years in that place I knew I have known enough girls that I would know in my entire life time . And also, I wanted to check my orientation because three years in same sex college can either make you gay or opposite gender hungry.
The moment I got my first crush in this college I was happier with the fact that I straight. Not that I m against homosexuality but, when you are in phase of self doubt, you prefer being the person what society accepts.
So, not only straight, I was indeed attracted by lots of good looking boys around me.
That’s how my initial days of college started.
People say you remember only those things from past which changed you, which had an impact on your mind or your heart. These are the kind of memories never leave you. I don’t know which part of my body wanted me to remember this. Was it my brain, or my heart?

Twin flame!

Star in the sky, fell on the ground in two Separated by the cold wind that blew
Belonged together, no one knew
Lived apart, curious i was, but without a clue.

The journey we had, were somehow same
Unaware steps, we were each other’s aim
The more i loved me, the closer he came
Thought it was untrue, but we were each other’s twin flame.

No, it is not about the love for him
But, the light within me, that was earlier dim
I found him when i was brim
The more i loved me, i was loved by him.

I was attracting him, by loving me
This is how, i always wanted love to be
The grudges i was holding, i had to set them free
My door to happiness, i was the only key.

The more i connect to my soul,
The more i connect with him and feel whole
The love for me, i should put a dot of kohl
And now i know, and will take back the happiness that universe stole.

A letter to heart ♥️

Loosing everything for that one thing
Every other relationship for that one fling
Ignored calls for that one ring
Happiness now, that you have let it swing

Was it worth it?!

Are you okay now? With all the beliefs you had about that one piece of heart. Are you happy with the heart wrenching pain, where every part of your body hurts? Everything that you did, each line that you crossed, Are you happy?

The song that you listened when you were happy, do you listen to it now? The tune that made you smile, why is it now making you cry? The joke that made you laugh is it funny now?
Why your eyes are hurting, the twinkle that you had in them where is it now? The tears that you are not able to stop.
Tell me was it worth it?
The promises that you broke, with everyone else. That one promise, with your self, will you ever be able to forgive yourself, breaking what was written on your heart, your body and on your soul.
Was it worth breaking that promise?
Tell me are okay with the fact that you will never be same again, you will never be as beautiful as full of love as you were. Tell me are okay with not giving the love you had for someone who deserves it.
How can you put yourself through this again, how can you butcher your heart like this. Will you ever be able to pick up all the pieces that are scattered all over the place. Are okay with the fact that those pieces will never be whole.
Tell me was it necessary? To go through that all over again, for that little span of happiness and now for months of indescribable pain.
Tell me, was it seriously worth it?

Will you ever realise the love that you give away, is the love you should have saved for yourself. The care that you show people, the life you picture for them, the wishes that you ask from god, all of that was suppose to be for you. Why do you let that go, why don’t you keep that for you. The purpose you think for you to be in this world is to give love, then why don’t you keep that for you first.

Love is the song you play

But don’t let the purpose got away!

Yours truly,

Soul

Note: Put yourself first