Maddy's Poem

From time to time, there comes a moment when people remind me to write,
To feel, to express, and I think I might.

There is so much to say,
so much to lay,
so much to pay,
and yet here I stay, empty,
regardless of what I feel,
what I say, what I pay, where I stay.

How fighting for freedom is internal.
How feelings that were once loud are paternal.
How being okay, being happy, being sad, doesn’t matter.
And how being in love, well, that’s not going to happen.

I will write.
I will create.
But that artist in me has maybe failed,
and I’m okay. I’m okay,
because to me, the me is still alive,
So then I guess I will try. I guess I will try.

Bollywood has inspired my life a lot. I believe that every love story deserves a Bollywood movie, especially mine, because that’s how I want my life to turn out – a long journey filled with love songs, just like a Bollywood movie.

One thing that is common in Bollywood romantic movies is love at first sight. And I had that experience with my ex. I wouldn’t say it was love at first sight, but there was a strange attraction the moment he walked through the door of our class.

Two years after that initial encounter, we started dating. I explained how, after that day, I remembered every close interaction we had over those two years. I remembered them because, firstly, they were limited, and secondly, I was very intrigued by this average-looking boy. As I was explaining, at first, he couldn’t believe it. Then he said, “Do you know I remember the first time I saw you as well, and I developed a crush on you? It was your first day, and you were asked about yourself. The confidence you had back then impressed me.” And I realized it was that very day when I saw him too.

He then recounted every interaction that he remembered between us. To me, that moment was like a movie – a slow burn, a romantic novel being unveiled from both a girl’s and a boy’s point of view. At that exact moment, I believed that this was my Bollywood romantic story, and maybe it was even better than that.

But then something happened. A story I thought was going to last a lifetime suddenly ended. I couldn’t believe it because it was my happily ever after; it was my third and final love; it was meant to be. But it wasn’t anymore. We weren’t together anymore. In the end, all that was left was a Bollywood story with a sad ending. That never happens, right? Romantic movies don’t have sad endings, but mine did.

This happened a couple of years ago, and to this day, I wonder why it all happened for nothing. But now I think, just because my love at first sight was not my “meant to be,” that doesn’t mean it was nothing. The experience that I got to live is now my core happy memory. I was in a love story that is written in books, a best-seller, a story that girls wish to be in. He did leave, but he left me with an incredible story to cherish for a lifetime.

We wake up , and you love my morning face,
I do yoga and you do the early chase.
I love coffee and you love the tea,
Everyone is suspecting something is brewing up with me.
You finish the newspaper, giving me the husband vibe,
And like a wife , i sit across from you while my legs take a jibe.

It’s Sunday so we make breakfast together,
I toss the toast, you hug me close, in this cold weather,
Then we go for lunch, you in shorts and me in my sundress,
Wearing a little less So it’s easy for you to undress.

It’s evening, So, we might have some sex,
Darling, I’m humble, but when it’s you imma flex.
Here comes the night, and we go out for dinner,
With a man like you, loving a body like me, who wants to be thinner.
So, we ordered the chef’s special, with a glass of Chardonnay on the table,
Our Conversation makes no sense, creating stories, and a fable.

You love that i write, i create characters and you fill them up with life
You have me in your sight, sleeping together in our bed tonight.

Honey, I love you, with all that I have got,
So, cuddle me tight cause it’s never a lot.

Find me love i’ll be here writing a poem,
People have been asking me if I know him,
Sitting on the bench, trying to look all mysterious
But you will know all about it because, you know me like no one.

You have seen my bad side and good side
And you still stayed with your life and your heart tide
You are like that gentleman, who opens doors and stands close,
You protect me in crowded places and leave me on love dose.

You calmed my nerves i don’t know how,
I stop overthinking, the moment you enter , wow.
I’ve lived for 24 years but with you now i love it here,
Hi, how do you do it, loved me and made my year.

Baby let’s keep it this way,
Let me be your first and you my first everyday.
You hold my hand in every way,
But my favourite is when you tangle your fingers and play.

You must be some women writer’s work,
With all the attention where are we going to lurk.
My heart beats a slower calmer lower with you,
Hi I think I’m head over heels with your view.

How I’m loving you each day a little more,
I kissed your head and you blushed , score.
You are in my head or you are coming alive?
To live every fantasy and take a dive.

A love Bollywood and Disney could never,
Straight from the stars with God who pulled the lever.

I was going to write a short story and then saw a reel of a girl whose friend died by suiade and she posted a clip of him hanging out with his friends smiling, and in the caption, she wrote “depression can also look like this, we still don’t know the reason why he preferred death over life”.

It got me thinking that if I chose an option of dying what would my reasons be, See, everyone is depressed or was depressed or is going through something extremely painful that they can’t express or talk about. And Everyone once in their life has thought of killing themselves because they were done enduring the pain of life, I know at least I have. I know many of you reading this will be thinking that “Oh maybe she is depressed”. No, I am not. I’m not depressed about anything, I’m sad sometimes like regular people are. But my theory is what if I’m done? To stop people from doing suicide they say that oh, life is beautiful, you should have things to look forward to. I know life is beautiful,I am living one. But I know life sucks too, I know if there is happiness then there is sadness too. I’m not complaining about sadness, hell there are times I want to watch a sad movie just to feel the sad emotions. There are times I have requested God to give me depression because I felt most alive when I was depressed, felt like a human: So, for me depression is alright. But all I’m trying to say is what if I AM DONE. I know life, I know all there was to know about life, there is happiness and then sadness and then happiness. I know beautiful things are going to come and there will be painful moments too. I know what life is so, now I would like to end my subscription from it. Now, some people will argue about how I should think about my parents and those who are close to me who love me, why should I? I mean I know they will be sad and all but then aren’t we taught to live life on our terms? Aren’t the modem scientists and physiatrists telling us all that we should be selfish and love ourselves? And for me suicide is self-love (khud khushi) Genuinely, I love myself enough to understand that I want to cancel my subscription of life, I mean it’s not free anyway, I don’t want to die naturally and unsatisfied, see no one asked while I was coming into this life whether or not I want the subscription. So, if you didn’t ask me then at least let me end the subscription on my terms.

And for those who are now concerned about me after reading this, first of all I’m not dying, at least not yet. I have a few experiments left that I have done in life and now I’m waiting on the results. So, I might be here for a longer time than you can expect. I’m just trying to say that if I ever die by suicide know that it Was not because I was depressed, Instead I was happy satisfied and wanted to end my life on a happy note and on my terms.

“WHY IS THERE NO FREIND REQUEST?!”

When you enter a new place, you want some kind of attention even though you have decided to play the character of a shy mysterious girl. I was part of the WhatsApp group in the class, but I wanted someone to text me like it happens in the NETFLIX series they see a girl they like her and the next day she receives a text saying Hi I saw you in the canteen, or near the class door and you looked so pretty followed by some other good adjectives, there is some kind of attention to that new girl. But I didn’t get any, I received no text. So, I decided to be part of some group where I can make friends since Manya asked me to make some, she told me I’m there with you, but you have got to make some friends in order to survive the classes. And she was not wrong, I needed someone to talk to in the class.

That day I went on to Facebook to see if the limited interaction or no interaction from my classmates I have made, have I received any Facebook friend request. By this time, I should have been flooded with requests but there was NONE.

So instead of them stalking me I started stalking the guys I found attractive from the class. To remember their names, I was attentive while our professor was taking attendance and I was sitting at the back of the class so it was kind of easy to know when someone’s roll call is being called. The moment he (my crush) raised his hand up to say present I noted his name on my little notebook just in case I will forget by the end of the day that I have a guy to stalk when I reach home.

The first month of an odd semesters are fun. There are freshers coming into the college and a lot of clubs organize their events. There are auditions happening, people are having fun, everyone seems busy doing their own thing, promoting their clubs in the canteen. So, you get to go to these events performances basically all the stuff where you have a good excuse to bunk the class

We used to receive a lot of these event information through WhatsApp group. So, there was this message sent on the group chat. It was a forward message of Music and Dance society and how there were auditions being held somewhere near B-103, I wanted to be part of some society, music and dance is obviously the only society that had my attention I knew in my heart that I might not audition but at least it was a chance to talk to someone from that society to maybe cheat your way in without giving the audition

I sent the text directly to the person who sent the invite,

“Hi Akshay, I am Manisha I’m interested in this thing can you let me know the details”

“Hi Manisha, okay there are audition happening in B block Room 103 you can give audition for music there I’m not sure about the dance audition I will ask someone and let you know.

BTW its Akash”

“I’m so sorry Akahs, okay thank you for the Information”

“Aksh”

“Aaksh”

“AKASH 😊 hope you will be able to spell at before the end of the year”

“I’m so sorry, Akash And yes, I hope that too 😊”

This is the first time I have fumbled so much over the text, for the person I have not even seen. But, hey at least I had a conversation with someone beside Manya, well more like exchange of messages but who really is counting.

I started talking to some new joiners after a few days there were 11-15 of us, I guess. It is easier to form a girl’s group, because you are comfortable talking, you understand each other’s struggle of trying to fit into already formed groups, you are trying to find your tribe the people you vibe with and anyway very few groups which are formed at start of the college survives till the end of the college, So, i was not bothered about it that much.

I have this habit of analyzing everyone before I talk to them, I guess everyone does that. I have realized some people are just not meant to be friends, some personalities don’t vibe and I can be a very hard person to be with. So, for me choosing a good friend is very important. But I did find someone in the group of new joiners, someone I can connect with someone who had almost the same journey to be here as I, Aanchal. She is fun to talk to, she also had friends from her previous college which is perfect since we talk during our classes and then go back to our old friend /friends when we are free. I think with Aanchal the friendship and a level of comfort started from day 1. I never had to pretend in front of her to be shy, I was who I was from the day I met her.

A guy came and made some announcements in the class.
“A CSI event is happening A guy from our class is performing, please come and support him, there will be a Quiz at the end of the event on FRIENDS and winners will get prizes.”

I was not listening actively, I was busy with something on my mobile, but the moment I heard FRIENDS Quiz, that guy had all my attention and I realized the guy making the announcement was one of the guys I had a crush on.

So, all the new joiners decided to go since we had no classes after this and there was nothing to do. I usually would have said no. But Manya was busy and I didn’t know whether the guy making the announcement or the FRIENDS Quiz or the fact that I wanted to show support to the guy who was performing, I went.

As we entered the auditorium Aanchal and some of her frends from her old college and some of the other new girls from our class sat together and we received a text from the same guy who made the announcement.

“aa jao saare Akash ki perforance shuru hone wali hai”

I immediately remembered the conversation; oh is he the same Akash who I misspelled.

He started singing, he trembled at the beginning it felt like he was little nervous But he continued with his songs and he was good. It felt good listening to him, but as he started his next song few guys from the back started making fun of him. I ignored the few comments since I was holding back my streng furious personality but then they started commenting even more and I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Can you all please shut the F up. He is singing let him sing

One of the girls held my hand to stop me. But then I saw those guys laughing and saying something silently about me, I couldn’t stop myself and shouted again
“If you have a problem you can leave, and there’s the door.”

One of the new girls whom I did not liked as much said, “It’s okay, let them shout you didn’t have to shout”

“A guy from our class is singing The least I can do is support him” I replied.

We left the auditorium, and went home.

The next day was Saturday and an episode of GOT was supposed to come on Sunday. My Didi asked me to arrange the link to watch the episode, and there was this discussion going on in the group chat about the episode which made me realize, it is the perfect time to let people know you are cool and have watched GOT

So, I dropped a message.

“Yaar if anyone has a link for the next episode, please bhej do.”

After sometime few people started sending links to the group, most of them were not working Since there was no luck in the link or a guy personally telling me that I’m so cool, I went to sleep.
I woke to a text of a link from some unknown number.

“Hi this is the link you will find all the episodes here and the next episode will be updated after midnight”

“Thank you so much!”, I replied.

I didn’t ask for his name nor did he introduce himself I was hoping he might text something more but he didn’t. But I wanted to save his Number, so I went to the WhatsApp group and checked his number, looked at the Right and It said Rishi, I got confused is he that creepy Rishi or that other one who walked in looking like the coolest guy. I saved his number with Rishi and after a few seconds his DP was visible it was with some girl who seemed like his girlfriend I was not too inquisitive about that, Surprisingly. I was just happy that he saved my number too and I had another successful well partially successful conversation. And for the record he was the guy that walked in.

Hi I’m sorry that I’m disturbing you like this
And probably making a fool of myself, but can’t resists
I just wanted to let you know that I’m still not over you
That I have loved few or probably only you.

This song is not my attempt to be there again
It’s just i really want to start a new life, get over this or I’ll go insane
But somehow I’m still stuck in the past
comparing people that are coming but don’t last.

And I guess i was in denial earlier
That I’m over you and lets focus on career
That I’m taking my time to heal
But every time someone gets close to me it’s you I feel.

I just can’t help but think that they are not you
I hate this feeling, and this message is my attempt to maybe get over you.
Trust me no one hates these feelings more than I give fucks
The fact that it is taking me so long to get over your feelings, sucks.

Why does it feels like I belong to you, like a bequest
Cause everytime i think of you my heart fucking melts
I don’t know what i will achieve through this
but I’m writing to you just in case it does fix.

Feels Illegal to overwrite the memories that I have of you,
I feel bad that soon I might be replacing them too.
Gave two years to heal, still this is how I feel
Done living in past, present you didn’t last, future with you is vast.

If I say I have suicidal thoughts
Will you judge me for someone who is asking for attention
Or
You will provide a safe space?

If I say I m done
Will you laugh at me for being dramatic
Or
You will hug me with grace?

If I say I cried all night
Will you tell me I m weak
Or
You will ask me, why?

If I say I have problems
Will you gossip it to others
Or
You will listen to it with an open eye?

I almost attempted suicide last night
Cried cause i couldn’t hold a knife
Tried to use a blade instead
But it slipped under the bed and I felt worthless

If I say all those above lines
Will you simply move on
Or
You will hold me tight?

I text you, and you talk about her
I call you , and you are busy with her
I m with you and you are looking at her
Baby i love you but you are already fallen for her

I hear your worries,
Together we make up stories
I have loved many,
But i think only of you, outside when its raining.
We were together that night, right
When you had a big fight
I m sorry,
But i think i was happy
I know it was snappy

But …

I text you, and you talk about her
I call you , and you are busy with her
I m with you and you are looking at her
Baby i love you but you are already fallen for her.

Remember i told you
I love someone but don’t know who
It was you, boo it was you
I m guilty that I day dream
Of you as my husband
That i finally got that dimond
That i
I text you, and you talk to me
I call you , and you are busy with me
I m with you and you are looking at me
Baby i love you but you are already madly in love with me..

Sorry, but, i think we are meant to be
And you know it too, but don’t wanna see.

What did she do to deserve getting raped
A pair of boobsThose you sucked
A vagina to fuck
You put penis, toys, even rods
and she was the one who was out of luck

Tell me about that little girl you fucked
What was sexual about her?
Was it how the toy she sucked?
Or the way her precious smile stucked

Tell me about that teen girl
Did you saw her vigina out in open
And you thought its perfect time for your penis to rope in
Why did you ruined her teen years
Do you know she will now live her entire life in tears

Tell me about that girl going to college
She cried for help in that truck
and you herd she was asking for you to fuck
The one inside whom, along with penis everything else you found there, you tuck

She cried and cried
She pleaded and you said its your pride
You fucked her and You left her, rotting
She was there all in blood and no clotting
her mother was waiting for a hug that night
Who knew she is not going too see another day light

Tell me about the girl you burnt
Is this what in school you learnt
The girl you msged that its her you will rape?
Seriously, that’s how you want your future to shape?

I cry for every girl, that gets raped
I live in fear, everyday
How long my cloths will hold, are they tightly drapped?
I m scared to go out, will i be able to escape
My parents have two daughter
how should i tell them not to worry
How the world see father of two daughters and only feel sorry

I don’t want to cry i m strong
But this topic, is emotional and oh so wrong.