THE GIRL I WAS HIDING
My first day of the college; for the day, I changed at least three times that morning to look perfect. I was nervous and wanted to make a good first impression. I wanted to avoid coming late, probably because I will hate to be the late comer on the very first day and be the centre of attraction. I was so nervous that i thought I have lost the ability to speak. I somehow managed to come into the class early, walked into the room having barely two to three people and I was so relived, “okay, so now I don’t have to interact with the teacher and I will be invisible, mission complete”. People started coming to the room, from two to three, with a blink of eye it was full of thirty to forty students. I wanted to be invisible but expected questions like.
“Who are you?”
“Are you sure, you are in the right class?”
Okay, not the last one but at least some questions?
So, I started asking questions myself “were they expecting me?”
“Are they ever going to talk to me?”
“M I not attracting enough to talk?”
“Holy crap, m I in the wrong class?”
I asked this person, looking like a middle aged man, having two children and is here to complete his education which was no able to complete due to some financial crises, sitting next to my table, “Is this CSE, 2nd year?” He nodded.
I continued to make deduction about the people that were sitting around, was lost in my own thoughts. Meanwhile, this boy walked into the room full of people, dark colour pyjamas, light coloured t-shirt was wearing slipper or crocs. And the only thought I had, “Man, I wish one day I could walk into the room with same confidence in my pyjamas, and this boy I want to know him”. I swear he was on my mind that whole day.
“HE WALKED INTO THE ROOM IN THE MOST CASUAL DRESS EVER!!”
“How cool is that”
This was my first day of college, the day I never thought I will remember so vividly.
I went on with my college life it was perfect, not perfectly perfect, but still perfect. I had a best friend by my side to survive awkward first days, where you are an outsider and have to find your kind of people or you interact with outsiders like you. You form a group of outsiders, you make your own world in that big world where no wants to come forward and welcome you to their world. We were seen as aliens, who have invaded their personal space, aliens they never wanted to come and disturb their life. I was happy that at least in this foreign land I know someone, someone who can hold my hand walk me through these corridors and make me feel like I belong here.
I always wanted to try and being this invisible kid who is new to class and is very less interactive. I thought this is the character I will play rest of my college life. Also, I thought being invisible kid will help me keep out of troubles, and will help me focus on my studies more. But as they say, you can never fake your true self forever, and I don’t know when but I was back to who I was, loud, talking to everyone I had a slight chance of knowing and being the girl who is super friendly and can talk to absolutely anyone who came in contact with her.
I was enjoying the change that this college made into my life; I slowly started getting to know people from my class. I was talking to bunch of people I got my crushes; I started stalking my crushes on social media. I became the girl I was putting leash on, from the very first day of college.
So, I decided to be the tomboy, that is one of my personalities, “Let’s be cool, have bunches of guy friends and I will never have to interact with a girl again.” coming from a girls college, spending three long years in that place I knew I have known enough girls that I would know in my entire life time . And also, I wanted to check my orientation because three years in same sex college can either make you gay or opposite gender hungry.
The moment I got my first crush in this college I was happier with the fact that I straight. Not that I m against homosexuality but, when you are in phase of self doubt, you prefer being the person what society accepts.
So, not only straight, I was indeed attracted by lots of good looking boys around me.
That’s how my initial days of college started.
People say you remember only those things from past which changed you, which had an impact on your mind or your heart. These are the kind of memories never leave you. I don’t know which part of my body wanted me to remember this. Was it my brain, or my heart?